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Who’s On
First
By Abbott and Costello
Abbott: Well Costello, I’m going to New York with you. You know, Bucky
Harris, the Yank’s manager gave me a job as coach for as long as you’re on the
team.
Costello: Look Abbott, if you’re the coach, you must know all the players.
Abbott: Right, certainly do.
Costello: Well, I never met the guys, so you’ll have to tell me their names,
and then I’ll know who’s playing on the team.
Abbott: Oh, I’ll tell you their names, but you know strange as it may seem,
they give these ball players now a days, very peculiar names.
Costello: You mean funny names?
Abbott: Strange names, pet names. Like, Dizzy Dean, and…
Costello: His brother Daffy?
Abbott: Daffy Dean.
Costello: And their French cousin.
Abbott: French?
Costello: Goofe’.
Abbott: Goofe’ Dean, oh I see! Well let’s see, we have on the bags, we
have Who’s on first, What’s on second, and I Don’t Know is on third.
Costello: That’s what I want to find out.
Abbott: I say, Who’s on first, What’s on second, and I Don’t Know’s
on third.
Costello: Are you the manager?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: You going to be the coach too?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: And you don’t know
the fellow’s names?
Abbott: Well I should.
Costello: Well then who is on first?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: I mean the fellow’s name.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The guy on first.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The first baseman.
Abbott: Who!
Costello: The guy playing first base.
Abbott: Who is on first.
Costello: I’m asking you who’s on first!
Abbott: That’s the man’s name.
Costello: That’s whose name?
Abbott: Yeah.
Costello: Well go ahead and tell me.
Abbott: That’s it.
Costello: That’s who?
Abbott: Yeah.
(Pause)
Costello: Look, you got a first baseman?
Abbott: Certainly.
Costello: Who’s playing first?
Abbott: That’s right.
Costello: When you pay off the first baseman every month, who gets the money?
Abbott: Every dollar of it.
Costello: All I’m trying to find out is the fellow’s name on first
base.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The guy that gets the money.
Abbott: That’s it.
Costello: Who gets the money on first base?
Abbott: He does, every dollar! Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it.
Costello: Whose wife?
Abbott: Yes. (Pause) What’s wrong with that?
Costello: Look, all I want to know is when you sign up the first baseman, how
does he sign his name to the contract?
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The guy.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: How does he sign it?
Abbott: That’s how he signs it!
Costello: Who?
Abbott: Yes.
(Pause)
Costello: All I’m trying to find out is what’s the guy’s name on
first base.
Abbott: No, what’s on second base.
Costello: I’m not asking who’s on second.
Abbott: Who is on first!
Costello: One base at a time!
Abbott: Well don’t change the players around!
Costello: I’m not changing nobody!
Abbott: Take it easy, buddy.
Costello: All I’m asking you, who’s the guy on first base?!
Abbott: That’s right.
Costello: Okay.
Abbott: Alright.
(Pause)
Costello: What’s the guy’s name on first base?!
Abbott: No, What is on second!
Costello: I’m not asking you who’s on second!
Abbott: Who’s on first.
Costello: I don’t know.
Abbott: Oh, he’s on third. We’re not talking about him. Now let’s
get back to first.
Costello: Now how did I get on third base?
Abbott: Well you mentioned his name.
Costello: If I mentioned the third baseman’s name, who did I say’s
playing third?
Abbott: No, Who’s playing first.
Costello: What’s on first?
Abbott: What’s on second.
Costello: I don’t know.
Abbott: He’s on third.
Costello: There I go, back on third again! Will you stay on third base and don’t
go off it?
Abbott: Alright, what do you want to know?
Costello: Now who’s playing third base?!
Abbott: Why do you insist on putting Who on third base?
Costello: What am I putting on third?!
Abbott: No, What is on second.
Costello: You don’t want who on second?!
Abbott: No, Who is on first.
Costello: I don’t know!
Both: Third base!
(Pause)
Costello: Look, you got outfield?
Abbott: Sure.
Costello: The left fielder’s name?
Abbott: Why.
Costello: I just thought I’d ask you.
Abbott: Well I just thought I’d tell you.
Costello: Then tell me who is playing left field.
Abbott: Who is playing first.
Costello: I’m not…Stay out of the infield! I want to know, what’s
the guy’s name in left field?
Abbott: No, What is on second.
Costello: I’m not asking who’s on second.
Abbott: No, Who is on first.
Costello: I don’t know.
Both: Third base!
(Pause)
Costello: And left fielder’s name?
Abbott: Why!
Costello: Because.
Abbott: No, he’s center field.
Costello: (Fumbles
words loudly)
Abbott: Well that’s the fellow’s name.
Costello: Look, look, look, you got a pitcher?
Abbott: Sure.
Costello: The pitcher’s name?
Abbott: Tomorrow.
Costello: You don’t want to tell me today?
Abbott: I’m telling you then.
Costello: Well go ahead.
Abbott: Tomorrow.
Costello: What time?
Abbott: What time what?
Costello: At what time tomorrow are you going to tell me who’s pitching?
Abbott: Now listen, Who is not pitching. Who is on…
Costello: I’ll break your arm you say who’s on first! I want to know,
what’s the pitcher’s name?
Abbott: What’s on second!
Costello: I don’t know!
Both: Third base!
(Pause)
Costello: Got a catcher?
Abbott: Certainly.
Costello: The catcher’s name.
Abbott: Today.
Costello: Today? And tomorrow’s pitching?
Abbott: Now you’ve got it.
Costello: All we got is a couple of days on the team. You know, I’m a
catcher too.
Abbott: So they tell me.
Costello: I get behind the plate, do some fancy catching. Tomorrow’s
pitching on my team and a heavy hitter gets up.
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: Now, the heavy hitter bunts the ball. When he bunts the ball, me being
a good catcher, I want to throw the guy out at first base. So I pick up the ball, and
throw it to who?
Abbott: Now that’s the first thing that you’ve said right.
Costello: I don’t even know what I’m talking about!
Abbott: Well that’s all you have to do!
Costello: Is throw the ball to first base?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: Now who’s got it?
Abbott: Naturally.
(Pause)
Costello: Look, if I throw the ball to first base, somebody’s got to get it.
Now who has it?
Abbott: Naturally.
Costello: Who?
Abbott: Naturally.
Costello: Naturally?
Abbott: Naturally.
Costello: So I pick up the ball and throw it to Naturally?
Abbott: No you don’t! You throw the ball to Who!
Costello: Naturally.
Abbott: That’s different.
Costello: That’s what I said.
Abbott: You’re not saying that.
Costello: I throw the ball to Naturally?
Abbott: You throw it to Who.
Costello: Naturally.
Abbott: That’s it.
Costello: That’s what I said!
Abbott: Listen, you ask me.
Costello: I throw the ball to who?
Abbott: Naturally.
Costello: Now you ask me.
Abbott: You throw the ball to Who?
Costello: Naturally.
Abbott: That’s it.
Costello: Same as you!
Abbott: You just changed them around.
Costello: Same as you! I throw the ball to who. Whoever it is drops the ball, the
guy runs to second, who picks up the ball, throw’s it to what, what throw’s it
to I don’t know, I don’t know throw’s it back to tomorrow, triple play!
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: Another guy gets up, and it’s a long fly ball to because. Why? I
don’t know, he’s on third, and I don’t give a darn!
Abbott: Oh…What?
Costello: I said, I don’t give a darn!
Abbott: Oh, that’s our short stop.
Costello: (Fumbles
words loudly) |
