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Who’s On First
By Abbott
and Costello
Abbott:
Well Costello, I’m going to New York with you.
You know, Bucky Harris, the Yank’s manager gave me a job as coach for as long
as you’re on the team.
Costello:
Look Abbott, if you’re the coach, you must know
all the players.
Abbott:
Right, certainly do.
Costello:
Well, I never met the guys, so you’ll have to
tell me their names, and then I’ll know who’s playing on the team.
Abbott:
Oh, I’ll tell you their names, but you know strange
as it may seem, they give these ball players now a days, very peculiar names.
Costello:
You mean funny names?
Abbott:
Strange names, pet names. Like, Dizzy Dean, and…
Costello:
His brother Daffy?
Abbott:
Daffy Dean.
Costello:
And their French cousin.
Abbott:
French?
Costello:
Goofe’.
Abbott:
Goofe’ Dean, oh I see! Well let’s see, we
have on the bags, we have Who’s on first, What’s on second, and I Don’t
Know is on third.
Costello:
That’s what I want to find out.
Abbott:
I say, Who’s on first, What’s on second, and
I Don’t Know’s on third.
Costello:
Are you the manager?
Abbott:
Yes.
Costello:
You going to be the coach too?
Abbott:
Yes.
Costello:
And you don’t
know the fellow’s names?
Abbott:
Well I should.
Costello:
Well then who is on first?
Abbott:
Yes.
Costello:
I mean the fellow’s name.
Abbott:
Who.
Costello:
The guy on first.
Abbott:
Who.
Costello:
The first baseman.
Abbott:
Who!
Costello:
The guy playing first base.
Abbott:
Who is on first.
Costello:
I’m asking you who’s on first!
Abbott:
That’s the man’s name.
Costello:
That’s whose name?
Abbott:
Yeah.
Costello:
Well go ahead and tell me.
Abbott:
That’s it.
Costello:
That’s who?
Abbott:
Yeah.
(Pause)
Costello:
Look, you got a first baseman?
Abbott:
Certainly.
Costello:
Who’s playing first?
Abbott:
That’s right.
Costello:
When you pay off the first baseman every month, who
gets the money?
Abbott:
Every dollar of it.
Costello:
All I’m trying to find out is the fellow’s
name on first base.
Abbott:
Who.
Costello:
The guy that gets the money.
Abbott:
That’s it.
Costello:
Who gets the money on first base?
Abbott:
He does, every dollar! Sometimes his wife comes down
and collects it.
Costello:
Whose wife?
Abbott:
Yes. (Pause) What’s
wrong with that?
Costello:
Look, all I want to know is when you sign up the first
baseman, how does he sign his name to the contract?
Abbott:
Who.
Costello:
The guy.
Abbott:
Who.
Costello:
How does he sign it?
Abbott:
That’s how he signs it!
Costello:
Who?
Abbott:
Yes.
(Pause)
Costello:
All I’m trying to find out is what’s the
guy’s name on first base.
Abbott:
No, what’s on second base.
Costello:
I’m not asking who’s on second.
Abbott:
Who is on first!
Costello:
One base at a time!
Abbott:
Well don’t change the players around!
Costello:
I’m not changing nobody!
Abbott:
Take it easy, buddy.
Costello:
All I’m asking you, who’s the guy on first
base?!
Abbott:
That’s right.
Costello:
Okay.
Abbott:
Alright.
(Pause)
Costello:
What’s the guy’s name on first base?!
Abbott:
No, What is on second!
Costello:
I’m not asking you who’s on second!
Abbott:
Who’s on first.
Costello: I don’t know.
Abbott:
Oh, he’s on third. We’re not talking about
him. Now let’s get back to first.
Costello:
Now how did I get on third base?
Abbott:
Well you mentioned his name.
Costello:
If I mentioned the third baseman’s name, who did
I say’s playing third?
Abbott:
No, Who’s playing first.
Costello:
What’s on first?
Abbott:
What’s on second.
Costello:
I don’t know.
Abbott:
He’s on third.
Costello:
There I go, back on third again! Will you stay on third
base and don’t go off it?
Abbott:
Alright, what do you want to know?
Costello:
Now who’s playing third base?!
Abbott:
Why do you insist on putting Who on third base?
Costello:
What am I putting on third?!
Abbott:
No, What is on second.
Costello:
You don’t want who on second?!
Abbott:
No, Who is on first.
Costello:
I don’t know!
Both: Third base!
(Pause)
Costello:
Look, you got outfield?
Abbott:
Sure.
Costello:
The left fielder’s name?
Abbott:
Why.
Costello:
I just thought I’d ask you.
Abbott:
Well I just thought I’d tell you.
Costello:
Then tell me who is playing left field.
Abbott:
Who is playing first.
Costello:
I’m not…Stay out of the infield! I want to
know, what’s the guy’s name in left field?
Abbott:
No, What is on second.
Costello:
I’m not asking who’s on second.
Abbott:
No, Who is on first.
Costello:
I don’t know.
Both:
Third base!
(Pause)
Costello:
And left fielder’s name?
Abbott:
Why!
Costello:
Because.
Abbott:
No, he’s center field.
Costello:
(Fumbles words loudly)
Abbott:
Well that’s the fellow’s name.
Costello: Look, look, look, you got a pitcher?
Abbott:
Sure.
Costello: The pitcher’s name?
Abbott:
Tomorrow.
Costello:
You don’t want to tell me today?
Abbott:
I’m telling you then.
Costello:
Well go ahead.
Abbott:
Tomorrow.
Costello:
What time?
Abbott:
What time what?
Costello:
At what time tomorrow are you going to tell me who’s
pitching?
Abbott:
Now listen, Who is not pitching. Who is on…
Costello:
I’ll break your arm you say who’s on first!
I want to know, what’s the pitcher’s name?
Abbott:
What’s on second!
Costello: I don’t know!
Both:
Third base!
(Pause)
Costello:
Got a catcher?
Abbott:
Certainly.
Costello:
The catcher’s name.
Abbott:
Today.
Costello:
Today? And tomorrow’s pitching?
Abbott:
Now you’ve got it.
Costello:
All we got is a couple of days on the team. You know,
I’m a catcher too.
Abbott:
So they tell me.
Costello:
I get behind the plate, do some fancy catching. Tomorrow’s
pitching on my team and a heavy hitter gets up.
Abbott:
Yes.
Costello:
Now, the heavy hitter bunts the ball. When he bunts
the ball, me being a good catcher, I want to throw the guy out at first base. So
I pick up the ball, and throw it to who?
Abbott:
Now that’s the first thing that you’ve said
right.
Costello:
I don’t even know what I’m talking about!
Abbott:
Well that’s all you have to do!
Costello:
Is throw the ball to first base?
Abbott:
Yes.
Costello:
Now who’s got it?
Abbott:
Naturally.
(Pause)
Costello:
Look, if I throw the ball to first base, somebody’s
got to get it. Now who has it?
Abbott:
Naturally.
Costello:
Who?
Abbott:
Naturally.
Costello:
Naturally?
Abbott:
Naturally.
Costello:
So I pick up the ball and throw it to Naturally?
Abbott:
No you don’t! You throw the ball to Who!
Costello:
Naturally.
Abbott:
That’s different.
Costello:
That’s what I said.
Abbott:
You’re not saying that.
Costello:
I throw the ball to Naturally?
Abbott:
You throw it to Who.
Costello:
Naturally.
Abbott:
That’s it.
Costello:
That’s what I said!
Abbott:
Listen, you ask me.
Costello:
I throw the ball to who?
Abbott:
Naturally.
Costello:
Now you ask me.
Abbott:
You throw the ball to Who?
Costello:
Naturally.
Abbott:
That’s it.
Costello:
Same as you!
Abbott:
You just changed them around.
Costello:
Same as you! I throw the ball to who. Whoever it is
drops the ball, the guy runs to second, who picks up the ball, throw’s it to
what, what throw’s it to I don’t know, I don’t know throw’s
it back to tomorrow, triple play!
Abbott:
Yes.
Costello:
Another guy gets up, and it’s a long fly ball
to because. Why? I don’t know, he’s on third, and I don’t give a
darn!
Abbott:
Oh…What?
Costello:
I said, I don’t give a darn!
Abbott:
Oh, that’s our short stop.
Costello:
(Fumbles words loudly)
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